Written by Bugging Out in Your Campervan: When Everything Goes Tits Up in the UK and Europe
When the world goes pear-shaped, you’re not legging it to a Hollywood-style bunker or speeding across a sun-scorched wasteland in a Mad Max rig. Nope. You’re jumping into your campervan—a rolling retreat, a cosy fortress, and, if you play your cards right, the perfect escape from the chaos. Here’s how to bug out in proper UK-European style when everything goes to hell in a handbasket.
1. Pack Like You’re Ready for Brexit Times 10
This isn’t your average weekend in the Cotswolds or jaunt to the south of France. You’ll need to bring everything because there’ll be no popping into Lidl once the shelves are bare.
- Food and Water: Tinned soup, rice, pasta, beans—anything that survives both nuclear fallout and bad British weather. Don’t forget tea, because even in a crisis, there’s no excuse for going without a brew. Water is crucial—about 4 litres per person per day.
- First Aid Kit: Stock up with plasters, antiseptic cream, painkillers, and anything to fend off ailments. If you’ve got prescription meds, don’t forget them either—your dodgy knee isn’t going to fix itself.
- Clothing: Pack layers for Europe’s unpredictable weather. You’ll need a warm jumper for Scotland’s frost, a rain jacket for the Lake District’s inevitable downpours, and a hat for the blazing sun in Spain. Bonus points for sturdy boots—apocalypse or not, you don’t want soggy feet.
- Hygiene Supplies: Wet wipes, biodegradable soap, a toothbrush, and, most importantly, toilet roll. The last thing you want is to end up cutting up an old map of the Alps to make do.
2. Fuel: A Precious Commodity
When the world goes sideways, petrol stations will be busier than the Dartford Crossing on a Friday afternoon. Always keep your tank topped up and store extra diesel or petrol in jerry cans. Just don’t stash them in the boot alongside your gas stove unless you’re keen on an unintentional fireworks display.
For eco-friendly campervanners with electric setups: charge up while you can, and remember that your solar panels aren’t much use during a month-long European drizzle.
3. Escape Routes: Avoid the M25 Like Your Life Depends on It
The UK and Europe’s motorways are brilliant… until there’s a crisis. Then it’s just tailbacks as far as the eye can see. Map out alternative routes through smaller A-roads, B-roads, and scenic country lanes. You might not get there fast, but at least you won’t be stuck behind Karen in a Range Rover.
For international travel, make sure you’ve got ferry or Eurotunnel options in your plan, along with your passport and green card for insurance. You’ll thank yourself when you’re waving goodbye to chaos from a quiet French vineyard.
4. Power Up Like a Swiss Chalet
Your campervan isn’t just a vehicle; it’s your new mobile home. If you’ve got solar panels, great—just pray for a break in the clouds. If not, invest in a good generator or an extra leisure battery to keep your fridge running and your phone charged.
Oh, and pack plenty of adapters. Nothing screams “unprepared Brit abroad” like a dead laptop in Germany because you forgot the European plug converter.
5. Be Ready to Fend Off Trouble (or Nosy Campers)
It’s not all sunshine and croissants out there. Whether it’s nosy neighbours at the campsite or someone eyeing up your stash of Jaffa Cakes, a little self-defence can go a long way. A sturdy walking stick or trekking pole can double as a deterrent, and pepper spray (legal in some EU countries but not in the UK) might give you an extra edge.
That said, the real goal is to avoid trouble altogether. Park smart, keep your valuables hidden, and don’t broadcast your location like you’re starring in an Instagram travel vlog.
6. Communication: Stay in Touch Even Off-Grid
In a crisis, staying connected is critical. Carry a hand-crank or solar-powered radio to pick up emergency broadcasts. Invest in a CB radio or satellite phone for areas with patchy signal (hello, rural Wales).
Don’t forget to pre-download maps of Europe onto your phone. Google Maps is great until you’re stuck on a Bavarian back road with no Wi-Fi and only a vague sense of direction.
7. Stealth Mode: Disappear Without a Trace
Your campervan may be your sanctuary, but it’s also a giant, visible target. In a pinch, it’s best to blend in.
- Park Wisely: Avoid crowded areas, keep away from motorways, and find secluded spots where you’re unlikely to be disturbed.
- Blackout Curtains: These aren’t just for blocking out the midnight sun in Scandinavia—they’ll keep your lights from being seen at night.
- Sound Discipline: It’s not the time for a karaoke session of “Wonderwall.” Keep things quiet, and don’t attract attention.
8. Maintenance: Keep Your Van Alive and Kicking
Your campervan is the star of this show, so don’t let it break down on day two. Before you bug out, check the basics:
- Tyres (including the spare!)
- Oil and coolant levels
- Brakes
- Windscreen wipers (a must for all that inevitable rain)
Carry a toolkit, duct tape, and WD-40—because no mechanical problem can’t be solved by one or both of them. Also, don’t forget your breakdown cover… because sod’s law dictates that you’ll break down on the A30 when it’s least convenient.
9. Test Your Plan: The Great Pre-Apocalypse Road Trip
Before the big day comes, give your bug-out plan a test run. Pack your van, pick a route, and head out for a weekend to see how it all holds up. Treat it like a practice escape, but with fewer zombies and more Cornish pasties.
You’ll quickly figure out what you forgot to pack (probably coffee) and what doesn’t work (like that dodgy old gas stove you thought was fine). Plus, it’s a good excuse for a holiday.
10. A Sense of Humour: Essential Kit
Finally, remember this: no matter how bad things get, you’ll survive better if you keep your sense of humour. Whether you’re stuck in a French forest with a flat tyre or waiting out a storm in a layby in Yorkshire, find the funny side. Laughing at the absurdity of it all will keep you sane.
When the chips are down, your campervan isn’t just a vehicle—it’s your lifeline. With a bit of planning and a lot of tea, you’ll be ready to face whatever the universe throws at you, from Brexit-style shortages to full-blown chaos. Now go forth, stock up, and embrace the ultimate European road trip… even if it’s the last one.
